On Being Twenty

I feel like I’m constantly being asked “what’s next?” Although I’ve learned to adapt and field questions like these, especially when it pertains to the looming and ambiguous “future”, the thought of change has always overwhelmed me. I think that’s part of the reason why I was drawn to photography. Every photo acts as tactile and hard proof of a moment. It’s kind of like saying, “This is how the world is right now, and this is how I see it.” Moments in time are pin pointed and some version of the present is preserved. 

I’m turning twenty one this weekend, and I couldn’t shake the desire to pause and think about the girl I was and the woman I’m becoming. When I was younger, I used to get nostalgic around my birthday. I remember the day before I turned ten lamenting over the fact that I would never be single digits again. I was always afraid of the idea that I couldn’t go back. Everything about time and age seemed so final. 

I don’t think everything is as permanent as we like to believe it is. Although my nine year old self was correct I would never be nine again, I still had all the memories and experiences from being that age to build off of. It comforts me to think that somewhere inside me my seven year old self is still creating elaborate plots for her polly pocket characters and my twelve year old self is furiously sketching fashion collections on her bedroom floor and my sixteen year old self is helping my grandmother bake a pumpkin pie in her kitchen. I never left myself behind, I can always come back to the child that still lives within me while growing into the adult I am. 

I wanted to experiment with photographing myself in my space during this moment in my life. I am so many different versions of myself in one person. I rarely stop and think about how they all mesh together and form who I am right now.  Everyone always talks about how important your twenties are in establishing who you are and who you’ll be. I’m not sure how much I agree with the weight of this statement, but I do think it’s nice to be able to look at these photos and see glimpses of not only what my life looks like, but also what it feels like. There’s so many feelings and emotions I’m trying to sort through and make sense of. I’m grateful for the wild and messy chaos my life often feels like, and I’m also grateful for the reminder these photos leave me with: I am here now and that’s enough. 

from my previous blog posted on 10.02.21