The Side Effect of Love
August is always a whirlwind of emotions for me: the stress and excitement that comes with a new school year, the nostalgia for the end of beach days and bare feet, the grief of another year without two of my favorite people, my nana and my dad.
This August is especially difficult for me. Earlier this month, my grandfather died. Because of COVID-19, we weren’t able to visit him or see him except through FaceTime. It’s been hard for me to grasp that he is gone. Since he lived in Florida and I lived in New England, it feels like I’m waiting until I can see him again, which on some level is the truth. I love being part of a small and close family, but I can’t deny that it makes each loss particularly gut wrenching.
My grandfather was a man who was equal parts goofy and orderly. Even now when I see Diet Coke in the grocery store I am reminded of the nights I spent watching him grill while running inside to grab him one from the fridge. I was at our favorite beach the other week, and it felt like I could still see him teaching me how to catch crabs and float down the river. In these early days of loss, the memories are still vivid, and for that I’m thankful.
I’ve experienced death a lot for someone my age. I’ve learned that grief doesn’t ask for permission, it just bulldozes through your life, leaving you to construct a new reality from its pieces. There’s no secret formula for healing because each loss is unique. I can’t tell you how I’ve gotten through almost six years without my dad, or two years without my nana, or now two and a half weeks without my grandfather, I just know that I have.
I very rarely feel the overwhelming sadness on the actual anniversary of a loved one’s death. For me, the anticipation of the date is the hardest, and since both my nana and my dad died in September, August can be hard for me. The additional loss of my grandfather this year has compounded this feeling.
Grief is a continuous experience, but I know it will not always feel as heavy as it does right now. In one of my earlier posts, I compared this pain to a backpack. Right now, this backpack is more difficult to carry than usual, and that’s okay. Three of the most important people in my life are no longer alive. On the days like today when the loss cuts deep and it all feels too raw, I try to remind myself that grief is a side effect of love. Although the pain is real and heavy, I know the love was worth it.
from my previous blog posted on 08.27.20
