Bravery Within Self-doubt

It’s easy to get caught in the current of self-doubt. It’s even easier for that current to become a tidal wave of self-hatred and loathing. I find myself constantly trying to grapple with this idea of perfection. I am at war with the voice inside of my head telling me that I need to keep pushing, I need to be better, I am not enough. That voice is met with a quieter voice, a voice that knows the irrationality that lies behind the negativity that I tell myself. It’s hard for me when I get critiqued on a piece of writing I did for school or a design project I worked so hard on to not take it personally, to not take it as a judgment of my intelligence and character. It’s difficult when you spend five hours in the library pouring over one chapter of tiny print and filling margins with scrawled handwriting in bleeding ink. It’s difficult when you rewrite the same sentence fifteen times, interchanging verbs and adjectives to try and somehow translate your thoughts to a page. It’s difficult to sit back and read comments by professors that gloss over the thirty-six hours you spent working on a project, only to be told that they “didn’t get it”. How do I not take this personally? How do I have the audacity to feel like any of my hard work will ever be enough? How will I be brave enough to not be defined by a setback? I don’t have an answer. I try to remind myself that being here, in a prestigious university, in a city with a history rooted in systematic racism, in a country built on the backs of my ancestors who were stolen from their homes, is a miracle. I try to let that huge accomplishment be enough. I want to be good enough for them. I want them to know that being a product of their resilience is not a fact I am ignorant to, I understand the weight. I want them to know that I understand my privilege and I want to be worthy of their praise. I want them to know all of this, and I also want to learn how to be there for myself. I want to learn the art of balance in a demanding world. I want to learn how to take critique and failure as a sign of respect. I don’t know where to begin, perhaps within myself. Perhaps by giving a megaphone to my quieter voice, and being brave enough to say I will try again tomorrow.

republished from my previous blog posted on 01.12.20