2020: The Year of No Resolutions
It’s January 1st. The champagne has been popped. The clock has struck midnight, and we are in a new year — a new decade. The reminders seem to be around every corner. Social media is filled with lengthy declarations of the love and joy that the past year has brought and hope for what’s to come in the next 365 days. I did not spend the last moments of the year celebrating with groups of friends nor was I lost in the silence of deep reflection. It was not a particularly noteworthy night for me to be honest. I read my book and was in bed by 10 p.m.
My past self would have felt slightly if not significantly lonely and melancholy picturing this. I was always a person who believed in the magic and romance of the new year. I would picture myself dancing while confetti fell and looking around in slow motion while the countdown to the new year rang in the background. Then, of course, I would lock eyes with someone and we would share a new year’s kiss. It would be like every romantic comedy ever created. The issue? I never left space for real life.
For me, the hype went beyond New Year’s Eve. I have always been an advocate for new year’s resolutions. Every year, I would make countless goals for myself — to exercise daily, to be more fun and outgoing, to take risks, and to lead with courage. They were full of all of the things we are told are the ingredients of a joyful life. But now, I just don’t think that’s true.
The new year allows for an opportunity to reset. I can’t deny the energy and drive I feel on the first of every. year. However, all of these goals never allowed for real and tangible change in my life. I don’t think that my inability to follow-through on these lofty resolutions has anything to do with my busy schedule or a lack of self-discipline. I think it is entirely related to expectations. Just like my romanticized vision of New Year’s Eve as a night full of love, connection, and divine timing, my expectations for the year were so high they didn’t leave room for the imperfections that come with my humanity.
I’m learning that life isn’t about constant joy and bliss. There will always be pain and loss. Life is about adapting. The truth is we can never prepare fully for the future. This fact alone terrifies me, but it’s also why I have stopped making resolutions. What is best for me at the start of the year may not be what I need a few months from now or even tomorrow. I want my future to be about what feels right, what excites me and grounds me. I have spent so much time worrying about how to please other people. I’ve spent years trying to figure out my role in the world as a friend, daughter, employee, student, etc., but I am realizing how impossible of a task this is. I exist in so many different forms. I am not singular. I am multidimensional and complicated. I am evolving and growing and constantly learning new things about myself and the world around me. My aspirations and daily routines should reflect this dynamic nature. I want what we all want — happiness, peace, joy, love, romance —but I am trying to shy away from having one specific idea of what this looks like. So, yes, I spent new years by myself, and some may call this sad and lonely and depressing, but I call it necessary and intentional because that night that was what I needed. Maybe in a year, I will need to be surrounded by friends and music and dancing when I ring in the new year. I am open to what feels good to me and trusting when it feels good to me. I am ready to listen to myself, and I’m leading with the mantra of following the light — wherever that may be and whatever form that may be in, perhaps this in itself is the most radical resolutions of all.
republished from my previous blog posted on 01.01.20